Dumb Criminals aka Eaters
by Auror Void
Summary: Dear reader, what you have in your hands is the untold stupid acts made by eaters and eater wannabes. Such acts include attempting to steal a muggle car, the real reason the Longbottom’s went insane, what happened to Regulus, and much more. En
1. Caution!

A/N: New here. I've read many death eater humor fics, and decided there are not enough out there. This is my try at one. It has to do with Death Eaters and Voldemort, and the stupid criminal acts they try to accomplish, unfortunately, they never go as planned. The first chapter is the introduction of the characters.

Disclaimer: I own some of the plot nothing else. J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and other people own the guest stars that appear throughout the fic. Some of the criminal acts have occurred in real life, others only here. I do not own so don't sue.

Summary: Dear reader, what you have in your hands is the untold stupid acts made by death eaters and death eater wannabes. Such acts include attempting to steal a muggle car, the real reason the Longbottom's went insane, what happened to Regulus, and much more. Enjoy.

Dumb Criminals a.k.a. Death Eaters

Caution: What you are about to read are actual events that have occurred by Death Eaters and He-who-must-not-be-named.

Dear reader,

Before we begin our tail of lies, thefts, murder, and other criminal acts, committed by the felons known as Death Eaters, a little about each of them should be known.

First on the list is Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. Wormtail in the criminal department. He is a fat bald man who is able to turn into a rat, this would seem to be very useful, but it causes more problems than help. Few facts about Wormtail include; often gets stuck in small places, is whiny, stutters when lying, and has an obsession with children's drinks. One of the greatest acts committed by Wormtail is the attempted murder of one Ronald Weasley, that of course failed.

Second on the list is Lucius Malfoy a.k.a. Perfectionist Pretty-Boy in the criminal department. Lucius is a tall almost white-haired man, who was once a prominent member in wizarding society. He is the leader of the Malfoy family and master of perfectionism. He often tries to bribe his way out of crimes and is most noticeable for dressing in girl's clothing for disguise. Two of the greatest acts committed by Perfectionist Pretty-Boy (Pretty-Boy for short) is his attempted break-out of Azkaban prison, and his attempt at trying to steal a muggle car, but like most of his colleagues something went wrong.

Third on the list is Bellatrix Black, now truly insane, due to her stay at Azkaban prison, she is known as Bella by the ring leader of the Death Eaters (you-know-who). Bellatrix Black is an extremely crazy woman and one of the last Blacks alive. She will often cackle randomly, and is caught most often by the random bouts of laughter. One of her greatest acts was the torturing of Alice and Frank Longbottom, although her torturing into mindlessness did not go the way she planned.

Fourth on the list is Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange a.k.a. as the Lestrange Brothers. They like many of their fellows have also been imprisoned in Azkaban, they like Lucius are still in Azkaban and continue to try to find ways out. They aren't always very helpful however as both of them are terrified of Dementors. One of the greatest acts ever committed; the Azkaban Food Fight Diversion, where they attempted to escape by causing a food fight as a diversion, plan did not go as planned.

Fifth on the list is Avery and Knott, two tall and imprisoned Death Eaters, not known as anything else. They were imprisoned to Azkaban during the Department of Mysteries Crisis, they like PPB and the Lestrange Brothers are often trying to find ways out, sometimes they even succeed only to be thrown right back in prison a day or two later. Bad habits, Avery chews on sunflower seeds and Knott leaves a knot at every robbery. One of their greatest acts was the Hostage Situation at Gringotts, everything was planned perfectly, they did not suspect the Dursleys of being inside when they attempted to hold it up.

Sixth on the list is the Callows known as Alecto and Amycus. Brother and sister Death Eaters who took place in the Battle of the Tower. Alecto is female, and Amycus is male. Amycus is a lumpy looking wizard with a leer and wheezy giggle. Alecto is a short witch who often fights with her brother at inopportune times. Amycus does a wheezy giggle whenever nervous or excited. One of their greatest acts was the escape from the Battle of the Tower, which after a wrong turn ends them up in the forbidden forest.

Seventh on the list is Fenrir Greyback, a.k.a. Fenny or Wolfe. A bloodthirsty werewolf who likes to rip out the throats of his victims, fortunately he has never made good on his promise to do that. He has a nasty habit of biting in human or in werewolf form when angry. He is a mad murderer, but has only succeeded once or twice in actually harming someone. He howls whenever any part of the moon is near, and runs on all fours. One of his greatest acts was the attempted murder of Mrs. Petunia Dursley.

Eighth on the list is Regulus Black, a.k.a. You're-supposed-to-be-dead! Was originally thought to have been killed by Voldemort, but in actuality was forgotten in Muggle London and was lost, while changing locations of a horcrux. Is currently wondering Muggle London searching for the Leaky Cauldron. Often writes random notes to He-who-must-not-be-named cursing him for forgetting him, the letters never usually make it pass Nagini who eats all letters to You-Know-Who. One of his greatest acts is his break in of a muggle furniture store, with Harry Potter in it.

Ninth on the list is Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy. A handsome blond-haired teen who is believed to have attempted murder on Albus Dumbledore numerous times. Currently on the run from authorities and rabid fan girls. He is a narcissist at heart and this often gets him in trouble. The authorities can tell if he has been near, because a mirror will be missing and a picture of himself will be put where the mirror was, leaves them at the scene of a crime. His idol is Gildory Lockheart and his all-time fear is a white ferret. One of his greatest acts was the attempted murdering of Albus Dumbledore.

Tenth on the list is Severus Snape a.k.a. the Half-Blood Prince. Is second most wanted after You-Know-Who, for the murder of Albus Dumbledore. The Half-Blood Prince is a tall pale man, often mistaken for a vampire (even by his own fellows). He is the calm, sadistic, rational man in the Death Eaters. Often comes up with brilliant plans or solutions, but more often than not is ruined by You-Know-Who or other Death Eaters. Was once a member of the Order of the Phoenix. One of his greatest acts was killing Albus Dumbledore, his second greatest was escaping. His greatest embarrassment was when he was trapped in a zoo without his wand and only Peter Pettigrew, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' for company.

Eleventh on the list is Mulciber, Macnair, Rookwood, Jugson, Dolohov, Crabbe, Goyle, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' a.k.a. Other Guys. These are the remaining Death Eaters with only Goyle, Yaxley, and 'Big Blond' not in Azkaban Prison. They are the extras, helpers, assistants, and other non-main Death Eaters. Yaxley is the only one of these nine who would actually be worth on the list. Yaxley is schizophrenic who often follows the other death eaters around. Yaxley is also one of the only three female death eaters and a prankster at heart, has a crush on Snape. These Death Eaters often appear throughout the story alongside or in the background of the main characters.

Twelfth on the list is the ring leader of the Death Eaters Lord Voldemort a.k.a. He-who-must-not-be-named, he-who-is-hyphenated-too-much, you-know-who, the Dark Lord, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Tom, Voldie, and Volders. Lord Voldemort is a man who has many plans, many goals, but only a few ever succeed. He is a skeletally thin, tall snake-like man in his 60's. He doesn't look quite that old, however and his main goal is immortality. Lord Voldemort is the leader of the Death Eaters and often tries to kill Harry Potter or other odd goals, not many if any succeed. His greatest achievement was returning to body form, his greatest stupid act was where he hid the horcruxes, and his numerous attempts at trying to get into Hogwarts. Including one such incident called 'The Gamekeeper Ransom'.

The above men and women are some of the most dangerous, and stupid you will ever meet or hear about. These files are the untold truth and acts of You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters; if Voldemort were ever to hear about this book, he would avada you and me quicker than you can say Quidditch. He must never know what this book contains, keep this book in a safe place, and enjoy reading.

Auror Void

A/N: How was it? This was just an introducing the characters chapter. Warning all characters will be greatly out of character, this is a humor fic, so don't tell me the characters are out of character, they are meant to be. Besides the Death Eaters every now and then random guest stars of your choice will appear, they can be from anything, if I know what it is, I will put it in a chapter. I hope you enjoyed, next chapter will begin the life of Dumb Criminals. Please read and review; thanks.


	2. Voldemort the Dark…Owl?

-1A/N: Wow so many reviews. I'm glad you all liked the previous chapter, this chapter includes Voldemort, Snape, 'Big Blond' and Goyle. It also is after half-blood prince. Harry's seventh year has begun in this fic, and stupidity abounds starting this chapter. Next chapter will be Azkaban, but I won't tell you who. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Look to previous chapter.

Dumb Criminals a.k.a. Death Eaters

Voldemort the Dark…Owl?

One of the greatest threats to both the humanity and sanity of the world, was currently locked up in a shed planning his next assault on the school Hogwarts.

The shed had gone through a radical change from the last time anyone had ever been within it, in fact the walls were now bright orange, and the doors light pink. The shed was once home to many ghosts. Actually it really was once a werewolf, but the villagers of Hogsmeade did not know this, and no one was going to tell them.

Thus it was that the Shrieking Shack made the perfect hideout for the world's current most wanted. Lord Voldemort, He-who-must-not-be-named, You-Know-Who, the-one-who-is-hyphenated, Voldie, and Volders are some of his many names. His real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, but he has physiological problems, so for contingencies sake he has his Eaters, a.k.a. Death Eaters, call him Volders.

The Shrieking Shack was the best place possible for Lord Voldemort to be, as his two main goals were both so near. Hogwarts, and Harry Potter. Both were almost impossible to accomplish. His other goal of immortality was put on hold until he took care of Potter.

"Attention my loyal followers. My faithful servants. My fellow half…er I mean purebloods! Today is the first ever official meeting with all my current loyal followers! Today we will take Hogwarts!" Lord Voldemort said squealing happily. A cricket chirped somewhere.

"My plan is simple. We will disguise ourselves as…Owls!" A cricket orchestra sounded. Slowly one person began clapping tremendously out of tune. Another man rolled his eyes. In the corner a rather large man with blond hair was blinking rapidly and shoving fistfuls of meat in his mouth. The meat had not been bought, it had been discovered in the shack when they arrived. He slowly turned green.

"My lord." A man with greasy hair began.

"Volders."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Pardon denied." Severus Snape, the man with the greasy hair stared at the dark lord. It was at times like these that he regretted killing Dumbledore.

"Yes, anyway. What is your majesty-"

"Volders."

"Very well then." Snape had an utter look of loathing on his face. "Volders. What are you suggesting we do? It would be impossible to disguise ourselves as Owls. Impossible."

"Eouldnedings." Goyle said incoherently. Ever since Crabbe had been thrown into Azkaban no one had been able to understand a word Goyle said. Snape and Voldemort ignored him, 'Big Blond' left to find a restroom, the meat was older than he thought.

"It's not impossible. Look I've already got the outfits." So saying Voldemort took out of his robe pockets(how they fit in there Snape did not want to know) three owl costumes. The first was a costume of a black owl and was the most realistic of the costumes. It had black feathers, and came with a mask, the wings were spelled to be able to fly, duck tape could also be seen attaching the wings to the rest of the costume.

The other two costumes though were nothing close to as good as the first. The second owl costume was pink and fluffy, it looked more like a rabbit than an owl, this had a very ugly mask. The mask was distorted and like the rest of the outfit was pink and fluffy.

The third outfit although a flying creature was definitely not an owl. Snape glared at Voldemort after seeing this. For this outfit was not an owl, but a bat; a green and silver bat. The wings were bat-like, but definitely not flyable, the wings seemed to be sewed together with different color fabric. The costumes over all were horrendous, and Snape mad a vow never to let Voldemort buy disguises. It would have been much easier to just have turned themselves into owls. The Half-Blood Prince had a nasty feeling about who would be using the bat costume.

"Okay I only have three costumes, so fight with each other to see who gets it." Voldemort said cheerfully flinging the costumes on the ground. Seeing as how the only ones there were Snape, Goyle, and Voldemort, Goyle grunted and Snape began making his way for the exit.

Voldemort had recently sent some of his best Eaters elsewhere, and as such only three were actually in the Shrieking Shack. One of which was currently in the bathroom, and another who was not able to speak properly. That left very few choices for Lord Voldemort, and he seemed to realize his choices were about to get even smaller.

"Never mind. Goyle take the pink owl, I'll take the black owl, and Sevy take the disfigured featherless owl." Trust the Dark Lord not to tell the difference between an owl and a bat. Snape glared at Voldemort and begrudgingly took the bat costume.

"Hwely?" Goyle asked. Like always though, he was ignored. Snape dragged his costume off to go change as he did not want to see the Dark Lord changing.

An hour later Goyle dressed like a fluffy pink owl, Snape dressed like a disfigured owl(bat), and Voldemort dressed like a regular owl preceded to discuss the plan.

"Okay here's the plan." He took out a spoon from his pocket and used it as a pointer. "This is Potter." A half a stick figure was drawn, with a triangle on its forehead. "When the morning owls swoop in to deliver mail, we will swoop in and enter Hogwarts. Then we will get rid of Potter. Sevy you will have to come through the door as your outfit is not flyable."

'Sevy' looked ready to kill his master, if the glare he was giving was any insinuation.

"How my lord. No I will not call you Volders, that is a stupid name to call a Dark Lord. "Lord Volders hung his head in shame and hurt. "As I was saying; how are we actually going to rid Hogwarts of Potter?"

"…"A pause. An even longer pause. "I haven't thought that far yet." Voldemort admitted. "No problem, we'll think of it once were in."

"Yulwaavkedim." Goyle interrupted. When everyone continued to ignore him, he began plucking feathers with his masks disfigured beak.

"Yes, as I was saying, we'll think of it later. Personally I just want to enter Hogwarts."

"Wouldn't Dumbledore have protections against something like this?" Snape asked drawling.

"That's the brilliance of this, he's dead. So whatever pathetic protections he had are now gone!" Voldemort said giggling happily.

"Whatever you say, my lord. Whatever you say."

(later during breakfast in the great hall.)

"Hey, hand me one of the cinnamon rolls." A red-head said.

"Get it yourself Ron!" A bushy-haired girl said angrily.

"So Harry, what made you come back?" A red-headed female asked.

"Dumbledore. He told me to stay in school for one more year. It was in his will. As it was his last wish, I've decided to honor it." A boy with a lightning bolt scar, messy black hair, and emerald green eyes said in a bored tone.

"Is there any specific reason?" The bushy haired girl asked Harry.

"Not really Hermione, he only said that 'it will be worth it'. Frankly I'm terrified, you know what's happened the last few years. And now with Dumbledore returning and all, as well as the soul searching. It just seems too much this year."

"I agree. Who knew that Dumbledore would return? It's only too bad he lost his memories." The red-head female said.

"I know Ginny. I know. At least Peeves has someone to prank with." Harry said sarcastically.

The conversation among the four students were interrupted as the owls began flying in to deliver mail. Usually the owls would fly to their owners and deliver the mail, but not this time. Mail and droppings dropped everywhere as the panicking owls flew this way and that and then hurried back out the window.

The occupants of the Great Hall soon saw the reason why as a man dressed in a black owl costume came flying in through the Great Hall. Right behind the man dressed in the black owl costume, which looked to have been gotten at a muggle garage sale, came another.

The one that came in next was dressed in a pink costume. Fluff was flying this way and that, and it was soon realized this man had two things. The first was no coordination, the second he could not sound like an owl.

"Tooh Tooh!" The pink owl made noises. The man in the black owl outfit looked back at him, and shook his head.

"Hoot! Hoot!"

Whoever was dressed in the pink owl outfit looked blank before nodding and giving a resounding cry of-

"Hot! Hot!" The black owl hit its head with a wing and began flying around the Great Hall looking for someone, an odd scroll was attached to its foot. Harry recognized it immediately.

"Is that the Dark Mark?" Harry asked peering up at the man, who hooted frantically. "Wait it has red eyes." Harry blinked a moment trying to remember who had red eyes. "Voldemort!" The whole Great Hall winced and the pink owl crashed into a nearby wall. The body slowly came down and landed on Neville who had just entered.

Just when things could not have gotten any weirder, it did. Bursting open the doors dressed in a bat costume, and not wearing a mask of any sort, holding one wing in hand was the murderer of Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape.

Every head in the Great Hall turned its head to the quickly reddening Ex-Potions Master.

"Er. Hoot?" Snape said meekly. At that the laughter could not be contained. This was because Voldemort had dressed himself as an owl, one of his death eaters had crashed themselves into a wall, and the Potions Master every one hated was currently dressed up as a bat pretending to be an owl! Laughter rang through the halls and Snape became redder and redder.

"Hoot! Hoot!" Voldemort the owl said trying to regain his position.

"Oh my God! This has to be one of the worst ideas he's ever had. And Snape dressing up as a bat. Priceless!" Harry said through his laughing.

Voldemort realizing he could not gain control and that his disguise had failed quickly decided to do what he came to do. He quickly flew towards Harry claws in front, the claws were made of paper though and would do no more than a nasty paper cut.

Voldemort never made it that far. As his costume, being the most realistic, and half made of paper took that time to tear and rip causing him to fall out of the sky on the Slytherin table. As he landed many Slytherins began to bow down and worship him.

"We are not worthy!" A few Slytherins cried.

"Get Potter!" Voldemort yelled, but it would do no good. Despite seeing the Dark Owl as Voldemort, Goyle was currently out for the count, and despite the students who tried to get him off poor Neville, he would not budge. Severus Snape on the other hand had just seen a certain poltergeist.

"You! I killed you! You can't be alive! I bloody killed you!" Albus Poltergeist Dumbledore floated up to Snape and grinned evilly.

"Lemon Drop?" Poltergeist Dumbledore asked innocently.

"No you old Codger! I don't want a Lemon Drop! I want you dead! Dead! You should be dead, you fell off a tower and were hit by the fudging killing curse! I saw you die! Your dead! Dead! Dead! DEAD!" Snape by now was beginning to whine like a child, never did anyone believe they would see such a thing.

"Lemon Drop?" Poltergeist Dumbledore asked again.

"I already said, I don't want you pathetic Lemon Drops!" Dumbledore lost all innocence with Snape right then and there. He had cast a killing curse at Dumbledore and it had passed right threw him, causing a chair to explode. Besides no one insulted his Lemon Drops!

"LEMON DROP!" Suddenly from the ceiling came a bucket full of lemon drops and it quickly began pouring down on Snape!

"Ow. Why you-Ow. Ow. Ow. Dam-ow. Protego: Snape said and slowly the Lemon Drops quit hitting him, it didn't last long though as Poltergeist Dumbledore put a bucket behind Snape and watched cackling as he put his foot in the bucket full of glue. Now a bucket was strapped to poor Snape's leg and his Protego charm fell as he became distracted. Quickly the Lemon Drops continued to hit him, and never gave him time to cast a spell to rid him of the bucket or lemon drops.

Voldemort meanwhile was sitting playing chess with Ron, Harry was tied up on the other side of him. The winner would receive Harry, Voldemort had already cheated three times.

"Pawn to B4" Voldemort said smugly watching as it tore apart Ron's knight.

"Brook to B4" Ron said smirking. "Checkmate!"

"WHAT?"

"Look you have nowhere you can move." Ron showed the Dark Owl what he meant.

"Damn." Voldemort looked thoughtful for a moment. "Fine keep the boy! Goyle! Sevy! We're leaving!"

So saying he turned his wand towards Goyle and levitated him over, he then did the same with Snape, who was still being pounded by lemon drops, and now had a bucket on each leg, and glue and lemon drops all over his body. Dumbledore gave him a raspberry as he went to Voldemort. Voldemort didn't seem to notice the poltergeist.

"I'll get you my Harry, and your little weasels too! Mwhahaha!" Then with a pop the three were gone, leaving behind a bewildered student body and a perplexed staff.

(next day Saint Mungo's)

"I appreciate you doing this for me Healer Young."

"No problem, no problem. I took an oath when I entered the profession that I would help any who needed it, no matter what side they were on. But tell me how did you manage to get a bat costume with lemon drops on it glued to you? I believe you even have a few lemon drops glued to your skin. What happened?"

"It's a rather drag tale, I doubt you'd want to hear it."

"Oh, but I do. I do. This is a most curious case." Healer Young said enthusiastically.

"Oh, very well. I guess it won't hurt. You promise not tell a soul about this?"

"My lips are sealed." Whatever the story entailed he knew one person in particular who would love to hear it. 'Just wait until Auror Void here's about this one'.

A/N: El Fin. Not sure if it was as funny as it was when I thought it. My other ones are probably better. Albus Poltergeist Dumbledore will be seen again, as will Healer Young. Hope you enjoyed. Also to clear up Nott Knott, there is a reason I spelled it Knott, as you will see once he enters the picture. Please read and review, thanks to everyone who reviewed.


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